Almost twenty years ago now, I wrote under the pen name of Amos Hayden. I decided to do this on a whim and because I considered it funny, for me to write in a different voice, for a different era and for people to read what I wrote and consider it ‘literature of its time.’ In some respects, having a pen name has felt like a rite of passage to me! I came up with the name by combining the first name of an old friend of mine, Amos, from a very old Vermont family many generations back (we don’t have a lot of those anymore) and Hayden, a name I have always loved because of music and the way it intonates.

I thought the name would remind people of early America and possibly, an earnest, spiritual figure. I imagined Amos Hayden to be a young man in his mid thirties in the 1880s who was trained at the seminary and became a priest because he loved scripture and wanted to do good in the world. He was a New Englander from modest means and a person to whom character was everything.

So I wrote a few short pieces and began one or two essays. The writings were published in a local newspaper in Vermont and then appeared in a magazine. I just had fun writing in this voice. I wrote on ‘Character’, ‘Integrity’ and ‘Clarity of Intention.’

Little did I know that people would take my articles as fact. A few years later, I discovered by accident that there were several pamphlets and magazines all over Montpelier and in southern Vermont quoting this author ‘Amos Hayden.’ They had linked my essays to a genuine person by the same name who actually lived in the 1800s. Amazing, isn’t it?

I went to this literary event in Boston and one of the guests mentioned Amos Hayden to me, saying that I would like his writing and that old American authors were the best, nodding his head vigorously.

It was funny and I enjoyed hearing what he had to say. I never let on.

But over the last decade or so, I have changed how I think about this. I still think pen names are fun and can be very clever and entertaining. I might still have a few. Ha ha. You will have to figure out, I suppose.

While picking up some coffee, I had a brief and stimulating conversation with a computer-savvy young college student. We mentioned books briefly and I asked what he liked to read, and he shared with me a bunch of different names and book titles. He said in a matter of fact voice, “Nothing worth reading is ever written by a woman. They don’t get it.” I didn’t know what to say at the time, though I did mention Agatha Christie, whose books my brother loved reading as a kid.

That comment and so many others made me realize that it was important that I write now under my own name.

Far too often, I hear women silenced. Lately, I have been thinking about accomplishments by women. What are they? Who are these people?

When I have stepped out of familiar areas (this includes many countries as I love to travel), I have noticed though how women are treated and I have been disturbed by what I have seen or heard. I have only been in a few situations in my life where I felt voiceless and robbed of the ability to be heard. They left a strong impact.

I would like to inspire young girls and women in particular, and young boys and men too by the words I write. It has to be in my own voice. I have to show what is possible…

I have never really identified with gender for doing anything in my life. I have grown up with a lot of freedom and I don’t feel burdened by the things I hear from other women. All my best friends apart from two, have always been boys and men as well.

Most of the books I love have all been written by men. But I exist. :) I would like to show you something different. I don’t write in just one voice and I have actually never identified strongly with being a woman as being anything different. Yet, I feel now that it is time to open the door to what is possible…to chart new paths - mostly in creating new stories written by a woman - me!

I can see now how much I have changed in just the last five years alone. In 2013, I attended this book signing event by a popular author. He spoke well - much better than he wrote - and had no hesitation in putting people down while elevating himself! He talked about how important art and personal expression is - he has a book and a video on this - but he was quick to shoot down anyone in the audience who questioned his ideas.

To me, who has grown up with such a deep love and affection for books, it was a bit shocking how he behaved. He seemed eager to cash in on the audience’s hunger for conversation and reading. I realized too though that most people are self-promoting.

On some level, you have to be to share your work as an artist. When I asked him about that, he got angry and irritated, almost as though he was pushing the air in front of him out of the way, like he was in a crowded train, fighting for his own spot. “Of course I will promote myself!” he said to me angrily, “When are you ready to publish? How do you know when you are ready?” He looked very annoyed and also insecure, wanting me to leave and eager to flirt with the woman smiling in line behind me.

Now looking back, the incident puts a big smile on my face. Despite all his boasting, the author’s writing was not good. The book cover however was excellent - it was very well designed. The meticulousness of the designer and then the enthusiasm of the crowd was amazing to experience. The audience was so hungry for a story and so supportive!

Also as you may have noticed in your own experience, many people who speak well, cannot write well. The two skills do not always overlap. They do sometimes, but it is not a given. Someone can talk a great deal about the value of a skill, but have no ability in doing it well. This applies to anything, but in its simplest and most direct form, to writing itself.

That incident taught me many things. It opened my eyes. I know I need to finish my stories and publish them.

Fast forward to today and I am confident in my own ability to speak up for myself even in unknown situations - something I would have been hesitant to do before. The more I read, the more I know I must write. I was born to write.

I may not give you pretty or witty speeches and I won’t flirt with attractive audience members as I have seen these authors do. Perhaps I can entertain you in some other way. I can come up with some good story spectacle for my readers. You will have to let me know how my stories hold up! It will have to be just right. :)

I would rather you read my books, come to my events and talk to me because my books and my stories moved you. I would hope you would engage with the stories themselves. A wonderful story has everything built right into it! Then of course, a movie developed from that story, would likely be amazing too…

I would rather that my work stand on its own - just like it did when I was four, ten or any other age that I wrote and no one could believe that this young girl wrote so well and like a person who had lived life well for a very long time… My old babysitter said I had an old soul when I was a little kid. Maybe I am like Benjamin Button. :) I only hope that my writing can move you.

The only issue is that I waited as long as I have! I am older now! Time’s a ticking! But like Agatha Christie, you can count on me to write a lot!

We are blessed today in terms of the time we live in. People are hungry for stories! There are more and more avenues to express yourself in as well! I love to create. I love drawing, designing, developing code (which is an art form) and shooting film. But writing? Writing is so freeing because all I need is paper and a pen and the thoughts come faster than lightning.

To create anything fully, you have to share part of yourself. By writing under your own name, you own it! You are vulnerable. That vulnerability is your gift to the world as it frees up other people to express themselves and to live more fully. That vulnerability and honesty helps free you.

I hope this helps you to write in your own voice and share what you have to say, anywhere you may be.

You may also like this post — “The Difference between an Author and a Writer.”